Sunday, March 23, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Porque?
I have come to the conclusion that I am just a repulsive human being. It makes perfect sense, people I know like me at first, the relationships I have start out strong. However, as time progresses and they get to know me they desire to see me less and less. I stop getting spontaneous phone calls to hang out. Eventually they stop returning my calls, and inevitably we completely cease communication. What other explanation is there other than the "I am a repulsive human being" theory? I don't act too desperate, if anything I am delightfully aloof. I can be a little sarcastic, which lends to the "repulsive" theory, but I don't think that I am rude enough to warrant radio silence, but then again, maybe I am.
My friend James used to date my cousin Angelina. She dumped him like a bad habit, moved on and left his sorrowful ass in the dust. After this unfortunate series of events James and I started to hang out more than we had before, and I would like to think that I helped him through this difficult time. He would go out almost every night and I would accompany him, listening to him bitch and occasionally offering support and advice. I honestly enjoyed it (that sounds terrible). I liked the fact that someone cared enough about me to confide in me. That fact may also lend to the "repulsive" theory.
Anyway, James and I hung out a lot. Lately he is doing a lot better. Still going out, less frequently, but it is still a big part of his life. However, it is no longer a part of mine. The calls stopped coming and I went back to being a second or third string friend while he was still in my top tier. Sort of makes a person feel like shit when someone you consider to be one of your best friends no longer seems to have any interest in you.
I guess the novelty of hanging out with naive little Andrew wore off. "Andrew is great if you have no one else to talk to, just call him up, he's not doing anything. However, the second your life is back together, just move on and leave his ignorant ass behind." That seems to be how it works. After a while the appeal of my friendship just wears off.
I wonder what is wrong with me? I wish people would just be honest about that sort of thing, I seriously wouldn't even be mad if someone just told me they didn't want to be around me anymore and then gave some solid supporting evidence to back it up. "You smell like a gym sock" or "You are just too sexy, I cannot stand it anymore!" Just give me something! How am I supposed to improve if no one gives me any constructive criticism?
God, I am annoying aren't I? Maybe I am just reading too much into it, or maybe it is simply my defective brain trying to make me as miserable as possible. Either way it fucking sucks.
My friend James used to date my cousin Angelina. She dumped him like a bad habit, moved on and left his sorrowful ass in the dust. After this unfortunate series of events James and I started to hang out more than we had before, and I would like to think that I helped him through this difficult time. He would go out almost every night and I would accompany him, listening to him bitch and occasionally offering support and advice. I honestly enjoyed it (that sounds terrible). I liked the fact that someone cared enough about me to confide in me. That fact may also lend to the "repulsive" theory.
Anyway, James and I hung out a lot. Lately he is doing a lot better. Still going out, less frequently, but it is still a big part of his life. However, it is no longer a part of mine. The calls stopped coming and I went back to being a second or third string friend while he was still in my top tier. Sort of makes a person feel like shit when someone you consider to be one of your best friends no longer seems to have any interest in you.
I guess the novelty of hanging out with naive little Andrew wore off. "Andrew is great if you have no one else to talk to, just call him up, he's not doing anything. However, the second your life is back together, just move on and leave his ignorant ass behind." That seems to be how it works. After a while the appeal of my friendship just wears off.
I wonder what is wrong with me? I wish people would just be honest about that sort of thing, I seriously wouldn't even be mad if someone just told me they didn't want to be around me anymore and then gave some solid supporting evidence to back it up. "You smell like a gym sock" or "You are just too sexy, I cannot stand it anymore!" Just give me something! How am I supposed to improve if no one gives me any constructive criticism?
God, I am annoying aren't I? Maybe I am just reading too much into it, or maybe it is simply my defective brain trying to make me as miserable as possible. Either way it fucking sucks.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Why?
Why do I feel so irrationally terrible all of the time? I hate everyone I know, even though I know that they have done nothing to deserve it
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Oh, hello world, I didn't hear you come in.
I am sort of new to this whole blog thing, World, so forgive me if it is bland and uninteresting.
My life is a series of awkward silences periodically interupted by me making an ass of myself in front of my friends, followed by an awkward apology, and then a little more silence.
I am not a very socially adept individual. I don't like talking to strangers or meeting new people. I don't like people in general. Seriously, a solid 98% of the people I meet completely repulse me. The other 2% are repulsed by me, so I am pretty much shit out of luck when it comes to viable social relationships.
I have been feeling really depressed lately. Which has made me act like a lunatic in front of the few friends that I do have. I realized recently that I have the uncontrollable urge to drive away the people who are closest to me. It is quite inconveniant. This weird depression seems to make that even worse. I freak out about the smallest things, and obsess about every interaction that I have. I blew up at my friend James yesterday because he asked someone to give me a ride home. I sent him a bitchy text message after I got home. A few days before that I was convinced that my friend Michelle secretly hated me. I called her and left the most pathetic voicemail the world has ever known. Who does shit like that?
Crazies, that's who.
World, have you ever just felt like you were either the sanest person on the face of the Earth or the craziest? Every day. Every freaking day.
My life is a series of awkward silences periodically interupted by me making an ass of myself in front of my friends, followed by an awkward apology, and then a little more silence.
I am not a very socially adept individual. I don't like talking to strangers or meeting new people. I don't like people in general. Seriously, a solid 98% of the people I meet completely repulse me. The other 2% are repulsed by me, so I am pretty much shit out of luck when it comes to viable social relationships.
I have been feeling really depressed lately. Which has made me act like a lunatic in front of the few friends that I do have. I realized recently that I have the uncontrollable urge to drive away the people who are closest to me. It is quite inconveniant. This weird depression seems to make that even worse. I freak out about the smallest things, and obsess about every interaction that I have. I blew up at my friend James yesterday because he asked someone to give me a ride home. I sent him a bitchy text message after I got home. A few days before that I was convinced that my friend Michelle secretly hated me. I called her and left the most pathetic voicemail the world has ever known. Who does shit like that?
Crazies, that's who.
World, have you ever just felt like you were either the sanest person on the face of the Earth or the craziest? Every day. Every freaking day.
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